Guys, you’ve probably heard the devastating news by now…Justin Bieber was arrested for a DUI while drag racing early this morning. Most press outlets were unable to score interviews with the pop star, but fortunately there are animated GIFs that can totally speak for him! And here is what we learned:
Hi, Justin. I’m really sorry you got arrested, that must be really rough on your hair. And not that drinking and drag racing isn’t cool and all (I mean, it is totally THE COOLEST), but I mean, why did you feel like you could get away with it without repercussions?
Oh, shit. I forgot, sorry! God, being Justin Bieber must be so amazing! Okay, so like, what was going through your head when the cops were like, “LOL NOPE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE QUIET OR WHATEVER,”?
I mean, it must have been SO SURREAL, you know? And so once it all sunk in, and you had a little bit of time to process, like…THEN what were you thinking?
That’s true, that’s true. I mean, you HAVE been a little reckless lately, Justin. (Not that we’re judging! You do you!) But do you think that if you end up having to serve time they’ll let you alter your prison jumpsuit so that the crotch hangs really low? Like how it does in your other pants? ‘Cause that would be cool. You could probably even start your own prison gang or whatever. Speaking of prison gangs, what’s your survival strategy going to be if you end up all locked up and stuff?
Oh my god, CLASSIC poker face. TOTALLY GENIUS! Okay, but let’s also talk about what would happen if someone tried to make you their prison wife. Like, that could totally happen. Like, how would you deal?
Oh my god, so sorry. Like, that was a horrible thing to bring up. Let’s change the subject…what do you think you’d miss most while in prison, if it comes down to that? Like, do you think you would miss egging people’s houses, or like…drugs, or…hair products?
Oh my god, totally. Swag is such a good word, because it can mean so many different things. Like maybe it encompasses the eggs, the drugs and the hair products, all in one go. So like, what do you think you’d like to say to your fans, the Beliebers, about all of this? Like, what do you want to tell them about your prison experience?
Oh, right! Totally. Because I bet there will definitely be some of the extra-crazies who decide to commit crimes to hopefully wind up in the same prison cell as you by luck of the draw! God, you are such an amazing role model! And I bet if your fans DO end up in the same block as you, they’ll totally throw their pie for you, or like, whatever happened on Orange Is the New Black that one time. Do you watch that show?
Ugh, right. God, I’m such an idiot, I don’t even know why I asked that question! Like, obviously. (Why would you watch a thing that isn’t you?!) But so what would you like to say to the rest of the people on the planet, who like, for whatever reason maybe aren’t fans of yours?
JESUS, you are SO PROFOUND! It takes a lot of courage to admit to being a mere human when all other signs point to G-O-D, Justin. Just know we’re all praying for you, ’cause life with Bieber is truly #BLESSED. Any last words before you go back into custody or whatever?
WE KNOW YOU CAN DO IT, JUSTIN. WE KNOW YOU CAN, PROBABLY.