By Jenn Tisdale
There is a goddamn day for everything and it’s only fair that the first day of Spring coincides with National Alien Abduction Day. The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming and extraterrestrials want to scoop you up from the middle of nowhere (because aliens DO NOT LIKE city folks) for what I assume is a barrage of uncomfortable tests. Hope you’re a good test taker! While this is generally portrayed as a low key horrifying experience there is an alien or two I wouldn’t mind getting abducted by. They can abduct me all night long. Hey is that a device used to examine my anal cavity or are you just happy to see me? 😉
Diana from V
I’m already convinced most people are lizards wearing human skin suits (available at all local department stores) but Diana really was! Speaking of outfits, she really knew how to dress. Leather is LITERALLY the universal material and is something only a certain kind of person (Prince) can pull off. V was your classic bait and switch “Hey we need some of your natural resources to keep our world alive JUST KIDDING WE WANT TO EAT YOU.” While this should be a cause for concern I’ve always been attracted to powerful manipulators. Diana was their queen who possessed a special mind control process called conversion. Normally I shy away from all processes labeled CONVERSION but Diana can convert me anytime.
Starman from Starman
Putting aside the bizarre process of watching Jeff Bridges’ Starman character essentially being born then growing to a fully formed human, our first glimpse of him is as a VERY NAKED VERY GOOD LOOKING human being. If you have to choose your physical appearance, why not make it a beautiful one? And why not make it the identical twin to a woman’s recently deceased husband. Who among us wouldn’t welcome such a gift? And does everyone remember a young Jeff Bridges? Dear God. Speaking of bringing the dead back to life, remember when Starman resurrects a dead deer? Essentially if you’ve ever wanted to fuck Jesus (and who hasn’t) now’s your chance. Like Jesus, Starman came (wink) with a message of peace but what he can absolutely leave with is a piece….OF MY ASS.
Mork from Mork and Mindy
Because I value a sense of humor I’m coming at this Mork situation from a funny bone(r) angle. Imagine being fired from your own planet because they don’t allow humor. I know Mork was from Ork but it sounds like he was actually from a typical open mic. Other than his sense of humor and quirky good looks, Mork is appealing because his purpose on Earth is to observe and learn and what better thing to observe and learn than the Bone Zone? This is the one time I’ll be okay with a man not knowing where my clit is and because he’s such an eager beaver (ha) he’ll be MORE THAN WILLING to find it. I predict we could Na-Nu Na-Nu all night long.
Celeste Martin from My Stepmother Is An Alien
Celeste Martin (Kim Basinger) is an absolutely stunning creature, and this is the only time I’ll accept referring to a woman as a creature. She’s sent to Earth to figure out or what could have disrupted the gravity on her own planet, thinking it was an attack. It wasn’t! Turns out it was a well-meaning scientist planned by Dan Aykroyd. He falls in love and they quickly marry. She’s goofy! She’s gorgeous! She’s a walking French farce/deleted scene from I Love Lucy! My favorite part of Celeste is her purse which houses an alien companion who can get her almost anything, like a genie in a bag. I picture Celeste and I more as gal pals than lovers, getting whatever we want from her magic purse. Okay maybe this is more of a Thelma & Louise situation, with more making out.
Thor from Thor
Thor is both a God AND an alien. You get the best of both worlds! Literally! I’m of course referring to the Chris Hemsworth version (though will accept the IRRATIONALLY HOT Vincent D’Onofrio version from Adventures in Babysitting). In this universe Thor is a Golden God from the icy north of Earth who becomes a superhero on Earth. As a feminist I try not to subscribe to the whole damsel in distress scenario but this God of Thunder can save me any damn day of the week. Imagine the kind of banging that comes from savior adrenaline.
Superman from any Superman
This is purely a hate fuck because I get the sense the Superman does not go down on women.
Every alien from Earth Girls are Easy
You bet your goddamn ass I’m trying to have an orgy with Damon Wayans, Jim Carrey and Jeff Fucking Goldblum. Is this even a question? HOLD ON LET ME FIELD THIS ONE…
Professor Edward Furlong from The Faculty
Today is the day I learned Jon Stewart’s character’s name in The Faculty is Professor Edward Furlong. That only makes me want him more. Granted, this is a bit of a cheat because he’s only an alien for roughly 5 minutes before dying by way of a drug-filled pen through his eye but at what point will I ever get the opportunity to put on a Daily Show for Jon???
Michael Guerin from Roswell
Let’s put these lips to work, shall we?
Leeloo from The Fifth Element
THE OUTFIT. THE HAIR. THE MILA JOVOVICH. Leeloo was designed to be absolutely perfect. There is a place for everything and I’d like everything in MY place. I also cannot resist a woman of the ass-kicking variety. TRY TO STAY DRY. She can have a multi-pass to my pants.